today is Aug 14, 2022

I tried to resist it, but the vegans are winning. I can't walk into my favorite artery-clogging fast-food chain without seeing an ad for a new vegan burger. Sometimes, after a workout, I'll find myself at a friend's house imbibing a delicious protein shake. "This is amazing," I'll say, "what is this?"

"Oh, it's a plant-based cookies and cream shake," they'll respond. Suddenly, the formerly enjoyable shake will begin to taste like existential dread.

It's not like I have anything against vegetables, or vegans. I'm just getting old, and it scares me. I remember the halcyon days of food being as damaging as it was delectable. Part of the joy intrinsic to snarfing down a 7/11 chili dog came from knowing that I shouldn't be doing it. Nowadays, the same chili dog is full of broccoli stems and garlic skin, and it actively cleans my colon instead of closing it. Not only am I getting old, but these damnable vegans will also make sure I'm healthy enough to watch the world continue to change around me.

To meet the vegans halfway, I've started to learn their tactics. However, instead of veiling veggies in the garb of their meat rivals, I've taken to making vegetable variants of classic meat dishes. The Instagram account foods bible provides a fantastic recipe for "corn ribs" that I can't stop cooking.